It seems like sometimes I really just end up disliking myself for no reason I could see very clearly. I thought at one point in my life that I did not hate myself, in fact, I was convinced I loved the person I had become along my long journey of coming out and being who I wanted to be.
Come to find out: I’ve been lying to myself for a few years now.
I guess my biggest issue is that I don’t know how to love myself. I don’t know how to become who I want to be truly. I want to be the best me not only for myself but for my partner, and a recent turn of events has caused me to really look introspectively and find out the WHY in why I don’t love myself like I should.
I’ll be the first one to tell you that I am in-fact a cynical bitch. The next group of people who will tell you this is my closest friends. I’ve always really been like that, and I’ve always been kind of negative about everything. I have a tendency to see the worst in myself and other people. I simply don’t want to do that anymore. I want to have a more positive mindset and outlook on myself and others.
I partly blame the church.
Yes, I said it. Burn me at the stake now. My upbringing always stressed “humility”, and I honestly think that is part of the root of the problem. I always used to tell myself how “I’m not that smart, I don’t want to be boastful,” or “I’m not that capable,” etc. etc… I need to stop thinking like that because it’s causing me to not believe that I can do things I put my mind to. It has turned into me saying things like “I’m not capable of doing that many classes,” or “I can’t do that, I’m not smart enough,”. The thing is, the most important people in my life believe in me; they’re all there to support me and be with me. I’m the only one who can’t accept this fact, and I’m honestly lost and have no idea how to get over it.
I am determined to figure it out, no matter what it takes.
I’ve lost one of the most important people in my life (temporarily), and I can’t stand it. I’m hiding all of my emotions, bottling them up and keeping them inside just so I can get through today. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and it’s the last thing I need to do to be the true Marshal that I know and want to be. The real me is in there somewhere, I just have to run with it and take hold of the part of me that has always been elusive in some way. It’s time to take control.
It’s time to be Marshal.Print